Randomness

Although it’s been a good few weeks, the last couple I’ve been a little distracted. My world has become very busy recently. I work five days a week, I’m supposed to be doing aikido five days a week (an injury has me temporarily sidelined), between those things, outreach, trying to help get the Porch off the ground, and just living life that I haven’t had near the time to just spend in the presence of God like I did when I first moved here. My first two weeks here, I spent hours on my face on the floor. Granted much of that time was spent asking God what on earth I was doing here, what was I thinking, what was He thinking, and begging for help. I don’t want to get so busy that I neglect spending time with the Father.

Hiatus

I haven’t written much lately and for that I appologize. I’ve been settling into life here in Florida. The Great Experiment ended tonight and we hung out and talked about where God has brought us this month…for me, it’s that I’m beginning to see the fulfillment of the promise that God made me back when this all began. That He promised that He would take my wilderness and make it a fruitful field.

till the Spirit is poured upon us from on high,
and the desert becomes a fertile field,
and the fertile field seems like a forest.
Justice will dwell in the desert
and righteousness live in the fertile field.
The fruit of righteousness will be peace;
the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever. ~ Is. 32:15-17

I’m starting to see my heart quieted and all the fears and all the unsettledness (yeah, I know, not a word) in my heart is beginning to melt away. I’m settling into life in Florida. I’m here for a reason. God brought me here and He has a purpose and a plan for all of it. And even though I have these preconceived notions of what it will look like when it happens…(and it’s already happening by the way)…I’m seeing even those being torn down. For example, since I was a kid, I prayed that the Spirit and the presence of God would be so heavy on me that those around me would be affected, that sinners would be drawn to repentance, that the sick would be healed, and that the dead would be raised. I’m seeing His presence affect my world though not in the manner in which I expected…as a good little pentecostal/charasmaniac girl, I expected people falling, shaking, tongues of fire…instead, I’m seeing my co-workers singing worship songs instead of cussing, and other co-workers asking me questions about scripture. It’s not the manifestation that I was expecting, but it’s no less powerful. And just as awesome.

Wow.Just.Wow.

God rocked me bigtime today. I’m not even sure I can even describe it all. I hope I remember it all. All weekend, I had this amazing expectancy about today, but I didn’t know it was for me. I knew Daniel was preaching at Nick and Lori’s church and that we were all going, but was really just in expectation for God to rock the sweet folks at that church…I had no idea what He had in store for me. So as we are sitting there at the end of the service Daniel busts out this prophetic word that is so me it was ridiculous. Like I totally turned around an looked at Lori and said, “dude is he talking about me” and she was like “dude, this is for YOU”. It was about how someone had been called to the ministry since they were a kid but had laid down that calling and pushed it all aside and even went so far as to say that I didn’t have to go bible school. I’ll explain the significance of that in a second. Lori was behind me smacking me on the back saying, “raise your hands, go up there”…which, I did raise my hands, but since we were already on the second row, I didn’t have to go anywhere, Daniel walked over and laid hands on me. So I know that he knew it was me. After that he gave an altar call where he laid hands on all of us. He got to me and started by saying, “more Lord, give her more” and then started casting down all the confusion that has been in my life. And he started talking about the scripture in Isaiah 30:21 that says, “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

Here’s where all of this is so significant: I was called to the ministry and knew it when I was 14 years old. I knew it. I kind of wandered a bit in my early twenties and in my mid-twenties had a pastor tell me to lay that ambition down, and as an obedient child, I did so. Insodoing however, the dream itself almost died. It’s only been recently (like the last week or two) that those things have started to be rekindled in my heart. It’s so cool that that the callings of God are irrevocable. You can’t escape it…hahaha. Now, I’ve even considered going to bible school recently. There’s one online program even that I considered. And the Lord said I don’t have to go. That’s so cool. It’s almost funny how many times I’ve almost gone to bible school. I’ve been accepted no less than three different times and for one reason or another I never made it. Now I know that I don’t have to worry about it.

The confusion part is totally significant because I’ve definetly struggled to find my place here in Tampa, and at The Porch. I know we are really just getting started, but I’ve seriously asked God, what the heck I’m doing here. It’s so cool to see Him just destroying all that junk in my heart. The part about Isaiah 30 is so cool because this morning when I got up, I asked God what we should read today and He said, “Isaiah 30″. I’m totally familiar with that scripture, it’s one of my favorites. It’s so funny because I almost laughed God off this morning saying, “we read that one all the time”. And then just a couple hours later…here it is again. Amazing. Our God is so flippin’ awesome dude. He’s so interested in the details.

He started speaking to me personally about how my identity gets in the way of letting the Spirit of God flow through my life sometimes too. He showed me about how sometimes my “I’m-cooler-than-the-entire-sum-total-of-all-creation” attitude hinders my ability to be obedient to Him because it causes a fear of not being cool to rise up within me. It’s really a pride thing. But even that is being stripped away. I’m overwhelmed at how detailed and how right now that word was. I wasn’t expecting it at all. I just knew something big was going to happen today. Wow dude. Wow.

Tennis and 5K Running

We’ve started a “tennis team” at The Porch. Well sort of…Jeff hits balls at Mel and I and we try to hit them back. Lori is going to join us next week as we continue in our athletic endevours. She’s a runner as well. I really think it would be cool if we all trained for and did a 5K together. Probably wishful thinking, but it is kind of awesome to have friends with similar interests.

Davy Crockett and Big Dreams

In Texas, Davy Crockett is a hero. He died at the Alamo defending Texas against Santa Ana and the Mexican Army. According to legend, Davy declared to the people of Tennessee, that “you may all go to hell, and I will go to Texas”. That quote is on everything from t-shirts to wall plaques to coffee mugs and is sold all across the State of Texas. In my recent bout of homesickness, I was thinking about that quote. The Lord spoke to me and said, “PJ, if you go back to Texas, they will all go to hell.” Now I don’t know who “they” are, but I know that it was a sobering enough experience that I knew I had to stay here. I’ve been miserable for a couple of weeks, but God is really starting to show me things and to reignite some dreams that have laid dormant inside me for a long, long time. I almost didn’t get off the couch to go to evangelism this morning.

At four am, I woke up and the presence of God was so thick and tangible and the next four hours were so amazing. I dozed in and out sleep but each time I woke up His presence was heavier and He was speaking some things into my life about letting Him love me and about how my home is His presence, not a geographical location. I’ll always love Texas. But I can love it from where God has me now. (Unless God wants me to be a missionary in Texas which would be flippin’ awesome…LOL!) It was so amazing.

As to the dream stuff…I started dreaming about Africa when I was about 15. Not sure why Africa, but I loved it. I wanted to go so badly. I still get teary eyed when I see the panoramic pictures from those crusades in Africa where over a half a million people show up or whatever. I’ve dreamed about that before I even knew that those kinds of things happen. I tear up thinking about Heidi Baker and how they sleep in tents in trash dumps sometimes. It’s amazing. I don’t necessarily know that I’ll be living in another country all the time. I don’t know if I’m not supposed to do that stuff just short term two or three times a year. I just don’t know. I know that there’s probably some teach in me. I try to run from it, and I tend to think that I have no marketable skills, but in reality, I probably do have the teach thing going on. (And part of that is probably been a defense mechanism to keep from getting disappointed over not having opportunites to teach). How conducive that will be to playing with little kids in trash dumps in Africa or South America I do not know.

What I do know is that God brought me to Tampa. I have no idea why or for how long but I KNOW it’s all Him that I’m here. I want to see God shake this city and use me to do it. I suck as an evangelist. I’ll be honest. I’m just not good at it. But I want to be a part of what He’s doing here. Part of me doesn’t want to leave. I see such an exciting future with The Porch and the potential that has to change this city. Wow. It’s so cool. I see USF getting rocked and then having an army of college students that get raised up to take the city of Tampa from there. That’s what I want to see. So, even if I’m called as missionary to right here in Florida, it’s all good. I’m content. I still want to go to Africa and to South America someday, but dude, I want to see this place shake. Before I ever came here, I saw a picture in my head of a seismograph. The needle on the seismograph was starting to shake, indicating the beginnings of an earthquake. I’m not one that sees visions or pictures…I can count on ONE hand the number of pictures and visions I’ve ever seen. When they happen, they are significant.

From here, where do we go? I’m not sure. But God didn’t just bring me here to sign death certificates. There’s something else He’s doing. It’s exciting to be a part of it.

Weekend Update

Dude. What a flippin’ weekend. I had massive encounters with God this weekend. Amazing stuff occured. I already talked about the crossroads Friday night and what a significant thing that was for me. Today God just continued to rock my world. He started convicting me because a lot of times I want to see miracles because dude, it would just be cool, rather than really having compassion and His love for people that they might be made whole. So, the cooler part is that this morning I was reading 1 John 2 and it totally talks about how His love is perfected in us and how if we abide in Him, we will walk as Jesus did. Think about that for a minute. As His love is perfected in me, I’ll walk not only in His love, but also in the things He does. Dude. That’s where the miracles come in…it’s all about letting His love and compassion pour out me onto those who really need it. Dude. It’s so cool.

So after that, He started speaking to me about school and about going back to school and what to major in and giving me this clear direction for some things in my life that were totally unexpected. It was amazing. I can’t wait to see what He does tomorrow!

Crossroads

I came to a crossroads tonight. The last few days I’ve been missing the slow pace of life in Texas. I’ve missed Mrs. Baird’s Fried Apple Pies, Dublin Dr Pepper, backroads, bluebonnets, longhorns, the hill country, good Mexican food, listening to the scanner and hearing the cops complaining about another instance where somebody’s cows got out. The homesick bug had hit a little. But tonight I hit the crossroads where I had to choose what I was going to do.

I sat at the Porch tonight and had to decide if I was going to pack up and head home or if I was going to stick it out and see what God is going to do. Going home means I’m done, I’m through and there is no more God for me. It’s over. If I chose to go back to Texas at this point, it’s over. He’s out of my life. I sat there during a video we were watching (which I had actually seen the night before) and I cried as I sat there and talked to God about the fact that at that moment I had a choice to make. I wonder why I’m even here. I don’t have much to offer. I’m a horrible guitar player and singer, I’m not much of an evangelist, I’m not really talented in any way and I have no marketable skills. I still don’t know what I’m doing here. But I know I’m supposed to be here in Florida. So I had to make a choice. Follow God and stay, or walk away from Him for the last time and head back to Texas.

Earlier in the day, I had been studying righteousness. The Lord lead me to this scripture:
” Until the Spirit is poured upon us from on high,
And the wilderness becomes a fruitful field,
And the fruitful field is counted as a forest.
Then justice will dwell in the wilderness,
And righteousness remain in the fruitful field.
The work of righteousness will be peace,
And the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever.” Isaiah 32:15-17 NKJV

As I sat in the floor at The Porch God reminded me that He wants to take my wilderness that I’m currently going through and He’s going to make it a fruitful field. I’ve spent the last two months in panic mode. I’ve been in survival behavior and fear instead of faith. But look at the end of that scripture: “the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever”. He’s going to bring a peace, a quietness, and an assurance to my soul as I walk in righteousness. I came to the crossroads tonight. And I made my choice. I’m staying in Florida. So now my prayer is this: “Lord pour out your Spirit on me, and turn my wilderness into a fruitful field.”

Following the Fire and the Cloud

So my boss asked me today about what was it that made me move to Florida. The first time they asked that question was during the interview. They (and by they I mean all three supervisors…I’m talking about A. my direct supervisor) asked why I moved here. I got to talk about The Porch and I told them that I pretty much moved here because of that, but I didn’t elaborate on the whole God-called-me-here-as-missionary-of-sorts thing. Anyway, today A. said she understood the thing with the church but was wondering what it was that motivated me to leave my family and friends and move to a place where I barely know anyone. I talked about following the cloud by day and the fire by night and about how God ordained each step. I told my testimony of coming here with virtually nothing and about how the Lord has taken care of me every step. It was awesome to get to share with her.

Randomness Woot!

In an effort to be more diligent about writing…well here you go.
It’s funny, I moved here because God spoke to me and because I want to see this city shaken, but also to learn about how to walk in power. Basically how to do what the Father is doing and how to say what the Father is saying. Sometimes I get frustrated because I’m not seeing results. I realized a couple things the other night…the first of which is this: if I’m waiting to see these things someday, I ain’t never gonna see them. (and yes I’m aware of the poor grammar). The Bible says that hope deferred makes a heart sick. I can see why. If I’m counting on someday, it’s easy to get frustrated and burned out. I have to live in today. I have to walk in what the Holy Spirit is doing today.

The second thing I realized is that the more time I spend with Him and in His presence, the more of Him that will come flowing out of me. I also realized a few days ago at work that I can get everything done that I need to do and I can hang out with God at the same time. I can pray in tongues under my breath at work and sing and stuff and it totally changed the atmosphere in the office. My boss was walking around singing worship songs the other day instead of cussing…LOL! It’s awesome.

So that’s where I’m wanting to walk today. If I just stay in that place, the miracles will come. It’s who He is. And because of that, it’s who we will be if we just keep hanging out close to His heart. One of the things He spoke to me several months ago was that miracles are born out of intimacy. If we are intimate with God, miracles will come. That’s what I’m crying out for…more intimacy…and not just so I can see miracles. As I said, the miracles happen because that’s who He is. I want to be with Him because He’s amazing and I want to love the living God with everything within me. But the fruit of that experience will be miracles. Cool stuff man.

My God is FAITHFUL.

I’ve been in Florida for almost seven weeks now. I arrived on Thursday, May 7th with just over a hundred bucks in my pocket. I had sold most of what I had owned and used that money to rent an apartment (the last available one at the complex, and they rented to me with no job…can we say favor?) and for gas from Texas to Florida. Two weeks to the day after I arrived, I was offered a job with the State of Florida in the office of Vital Statistics. (Which I’ve been told, NEVER happens…most people have been unemployed for a year or more and have applied with the state months in advance…I beat out 184 people for my job.) I basically proofread death certificates all day. There’s a lot more to it than that, but in a nutshell that’s my job. The job has amazing benefits as well. The most exciting benefit is that state employees don’t have to pay tuition at state schools. I can finish my degree here in Tampa at the University of South Florida essentially for free.

That’s not all He’s been doing, however. I came here as a missionary of sorts. Every week we go out into the community to preach the gospel and pray for the sick. It sounded all cool and amazing until I got here and had to start dealing with all the fear of man issues that were in my heart. I was paralyzed with fear. All I did was complain when it was my turn to talk to people. But I’m seeing all of that slowly be stripped away as I surrender my will to the Holy Spirit and let Him take over. It’s so cool to be comfortable talking to people now. I’m also seeing compassion and a passion for the lost, hurting, and hungry people in our community. I was literally fighting back tears at work today as I proofed DC’s for people who committed suicide. I have the answer these people need. I just couldn’t get to them. I realize that it doesn’t all fall on my shoulders, but it makes me want to shake the Church and scream “what are we doing?…while we are being blessed and enjoying the presence of God, there are people jumping off of bridges and hanging themselves and shooting themselves because they feel hopeless.” It breaks my heart man. People need what we have.

Past that I’m settling in to life in Florida pretty well. My freckles have REALLY started coming out from the sun. I’ve learned the value of sunscreen. I’m excited about what God is doing and where things are going. I love y’all. Keep praying for us. We’re still looking into strategic was to reach USF and the city of Tampa. It’s gonna shake baby. Get ready…it’s coming. Love y’all!